


i just never met a girl i like half as much as you

by ClementineKitten



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Angst, Closet case, Denial, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, it's 2019 and souyo still owns my ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-14 00:47:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21006920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClementineKitten/pseuds/ClementineKitten
Summary: It's hard being straight when you're kind of in love with your best friend.





	i just never met a girl i like half as much as you

**Author's Note:**

> title's a lyric from tim i wish you were born a girl by of montreal  
let's go

He can't feel the way he does about Yu.

Like being with him is the easiest thing in the world. Like being with him is the only thing he wants to do. Like being with him makes his chest as fuzzy as T.V static.

That’s just impossible. He’s a guy, and Yu is a guy. And yeah, he knows that there are guys out there who like other guys, but he’s not one of them. He never has been. 

No matter what the Internet or some dumb T.V program says, he doesn’t like Yu.

Not like that.

-

The first time they meet Kanji proper, it’s after they observe (spy) on his rendez-vous with some boy with a blue outfit. There’s something… off about him, Yosuke thinks. Even though he’s got dyed hair and beat up a whole biker gang or whatever the news said, he looked really, well, small. Quiet and nervous-- a complete juxtaposition to his appearance.

He lets the other boy do most of the talking, seemingly keeping to himself. When Kanji catches them, Chie scrambles for words while unhinging her jaw and inserting her foot further into her mouth, and accidentally comments that Kanji and the boy hanging out isn’t weird. Clearly, that was the wrong thing to say, because it totally sets him off.

It’s from that point that Yosuke has a theory about his behaviour. An inkling. But it’s just that.

Until Kanji gets kidnapped and his Shadow shows up on the T.V.

_ Good Lord, _ is he glad his parents were asleep. This is significantly more lewd than Yukiko’s, and she even talked about her, what was it? _ Lacey unmentionables? _

It’s also significantly more uncomfortable to see another dude like this. 

He calls up Yu immediately, and can barely even get the words out. Weird, as soon he saw the clip, he was filled with a rush of thoughts, but now, he’s all flustered. Yu responds the same way he always does-- calm. If he catches Yosuke’s composure or lack thereof, he doesn’t mention it. He just gives his same spiel about having to save Kanji, and then asks if he wants a copy of the taped version.

He declines the offer.

Heading into Kanji’s dungeon makes him very uncomfortable. He looks to Yu for support, who only gives him a reassuring smile and brandishes his katana, not showing any of the same apprehension he is. Chie and Yukiko don’t seem more perturbed than they usually are, either.

But it makes Yosuke feel ugly, like there’s something buried deep inside him that’s desperately trying to claw its way out, but he ignores it and steels his fighting stance, blocking out the thoughts with the rock music from his headphones.

First and foremost, they’re here to save Kanji.

When Kanji’s shadow takes a weak step forward towards a boy hellbent on rejecting him, pleading for someone to finally accept him, something twinges in Yosuke’s gut. It’s not pleasant, and he is pretty tired from the fight they just had, so if anyone should accept the guy, it’s Kanji.

If there’s an air of hypocrisy to his words, he doesn’t wish to confront that.

It takes him a while to realize that he’s kind of being a jackass to Kanji. Even if he says he’s into girls, that shouldn’t really matter. It’s something that bothers him, and Yosuke constantly bringing it up is pretty uncool. Some guys are into other guys. Is it really his place to judge? Sometimes Yu says some… questionable things, but does that make him any less of a friend? 

Some time after they save Kanji, once the dust has settled and Rise has joined the team, Yosuke yanks Kanji away in the school hallway to a corner where there’s not many people. Kanji’s eyebrows knit. “What’s this about, Senpai?”

Yosuke drums his fingers on his pants arrythmically. “Thought we could have a little talk. Man-to-man, senpai-to-kouhai, you know?”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-- um…” He shoves his hands awkwardly into his pockets and looks up at the ceiling. “I’ve been kind of a jerk to you.”

Surprise sharpens Kanji’s gaze. After a heartbeat, he responds, catching Yosuke’s drift. “‘S fine, just quit bringing it up.”

“Nah, it’s not. I shouldn’t have been an ass.” His voice is softer than he wants it to be.

Kanji crosses his arms over his chest and Yosuke continues. “I guess… Love comes in many different forms?” It does, doesn’t it? His admiration for his partner, contrasted to the way Rise lights a fire in his chest, is different, right? “So me making fun of you isn’t cool.”

“I’m into chicks, dude.” Kanji’s face pinkens-- with embarrassment or anger, it’s not clear.

Yosuke holds up his hands defensively. “Okay, okay! I am, too.”

Kanji gives him a wary look. "Did Yu-senpai put you up to this?"

"Hey, I can do good without his interference!" Yosuke insists, bristling. 

"Well, I just figured," Kanji says in irritation. "Cuz he always looks kinda blank when you bring it up. Thought he talked some sense into you."

Did he? Ripping into Kanji wasn't a time where Yosuke tended to focus on Yu's expression. Did it piss him off, like it did to their kouhai? Or was he more disappointed? The mere thought of being on the receiving end of Yu's disappointment puts his stomach in knots.

"Oh." He suddenly feels a bit stiff. "Well, he didn't."

"Apparently." Kanji kicks at the ground and looks around awkwardly. "Listen, man, I had plans with Yukiko, so I gotta go."

"Oh-- yeah. See you soon, dude."

Kanji steps around him and starts to leave. "And, uh, thank you. I guess."

"No prob."

"See you around," the blonde says, giving him a wave. Yosuke offers one of his own, and then starts wandering away in the opposite direction. He had meant for their conversation to be a positive; he wanted it to alleviate the growing guilt he felt gnawing at his chest. But instead, the words they shared sat uneasily inside him, making him feel distinctly sick.

His head was filled with thoughts of Yu. Which, to be honest, is not uncommon. He thought about his partner a lot. But now, he was plagued with anxiety, wondering if he thought he was an asshole. He doesn't want that. He _ really _doesn't want that. Surely he would have mentioned it by now-- Yu was nice, but he didn't dance around things. 

If Yu was… gay, or whatever, yeah, maybe he was pissed. Yosuke admits that. Yu's never really talked about girls to the same extent Yosuke has, hasn't mentioned a past girlfriend, hasn't even seemed all that interested in girls at all. He had even said he wasn't interested in neither Yukiko nor Chie when he asked him one night.

(He was only curious what his type was.)

Should he talk to him? Was that the kind of stuff they talked about? Yu never _ acted _gay… Or wait, was it shitty of him to think that way? Gah, he never thought about this stuff before he met Kanji. He was keyed-up, and felt all uncomfortable in his own skin. Something was wrong.

He doesn't want to think about why.

-

One night, Yu forces his way into his thoughts as he's spending some private time alone in front of his laptop. He jerks his hand away like he's been burned, flushed and flustered and praying that Teddie doesn't get home at this exact moment and interrupt what's already been interrupted. 

He pulls up his pants, collapses into bed, and stuffs his head under his pillow and kicks on his covers. He's warm already, and the layers aren't helping, but he doesn't want to be seen by the world. His mind races. 

_ That was weird, _ he thinks immediately. His heart thumps against his chest to an unsteady beat, and he curls into himself. Sure, sometimes he's had brief moments where he'd accidentally think of a random guy for a hot second, but this was the first time it had been a guy that he _ knew. _It freaked him out, and his insides squirm with the sudden realization that he was, well, still kinda hard.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Not even gonna touch that. It means nothing. It means nothing. If he says it enough, it will become true. 

Brains are weird. Hormones are weird. And he's not gay.

It was just a flub.

He tells himself that, but he stays in bed, lying face down under a mess of covers. His parents aren't home, so no one interrupts him, he simply lies alone with a deafening silence that rings louder than his thoughts.

Then his door is kicked open.

"Hey, Yosuke-- Wow, what are you doing? Is this some kind of new nightly ritual?" Teddie chirps as he crashes into their (his) room.

"God, Ted." Yosuke throws the pillow off his face and looks up, disgruntled. "Ever heard of knocking?"

"How rude! This is my room, too!"

"Yeah, right," Yosuke snorts. He refrains from reminding Teddie that he should be sleeping in the guest room, not crawling into bed with _ him _because he gets chilly during the night.

He doesn't feel anything except vague annoyance when Teddie climbs up next to him at night-- further proof he's not gay and this thing with Yu is a fluke.

"Where were you, anyways?" Yosuke inquires as Teddie slumps against the wall and plops down on an old cat bed that he's grown quite fond of.

"Oh, Yosuke-nii-chan, were you worried?" Teddie cooes. "I was out with Sensei!"

_ Lord. _"This late?"

"It's only 9," Teddie points out. "He was trying to catch this big fish… Um, the Guardian, I think! He implored Teddie's help."

"And what exactly can you do?" Yosuke tugs his pillow into his lap and wraps his arms around it. 

"Rude! Teddie is great moral support." He crosses his arms. "And what exactly were you doing, all curled up in your bed like that?"

Yosuke cheats his chin out over the pillow. "Just thinking."

"About what?"

"None of your business."

"Aw, no fair! Now I wanna know even more!" Teddie whines.

"Tough," Yosuke says. His stomach roils, and he opts to change the subject. "Anyways, Mom and Dad won't be home for an hour or so. Wanna play video games?"

"Do I?!" Teddie leaps up from the floor. "I'm pretty great at video games, if I do say so myself."

“Oh yeah?” Now Yosuke knows for a _ fact _that the blonde has no idea how to drift in Mario Kart and hasn’t yet figured out the power of an Up-B in Smash, so playing video games with him is like cruelly destroying a four year old’s unshakeable confidence, but it serves as a good distraction.

For whom from what it distracted, though, that wasn’t something he was going to prod at.

-

At some point or another, Yosuke realizes something horrible. It’s not unlike a shadow trailing his every move, creeping closer, hanging over him as a sense of dread.

The way he thinks and talks about Yu isn’t normal. The way he feels about Yu isn’t normal. None of this is normal. At night he rests his head against his bedframe when Teddie isn’t around and issues a silent prayer to whatever divine force that may be out there to allow him to wake up and not feel like there’s a thickly wound ball of rope suffocating his heart and causing what has to be some type of cerebral hypoxia.

But each day he feels all jumbled when he looks at Yu all the same, heart and mind mutually exclusive, and he feels sick to his stomach.

He’s scared. Hell, he’s terrified.

He realizes that he’s glad he confronted his Shadow pretty soon after he met Yu, or else he’d have a lot more to say. It’s like he’s been punched in the stomach.

Yu breathes evenly on the ground next to him, hands folded over his abdomen. He doesn’t seem too disheveled from their slug fest, and Yosuke feels like he _ should _be fighting off his own heavy breaths.

But he doesn’t, he inhales and exhales deeply, because he doesn’t feel like he needs to hide around Yu.

So _ why _exactly is it that he’s feeling so mixed-up?

He knows the answer. Of course he does. He just would really, really rather not confront it.

He rolls onto his side. The grass is warm beneath him and the sunlight casts a gentle, comforting glow on both of them that does nothing to quell his rising anxieties. Yu takes in a breath and then stretches his arms above his body, letting them fall to his sides. Yosuke bites his tongue.

He could reach out, right now, and interlace his fingers with Yu. It would be so easy. He could do it, know what it feels like, and then retire these sorry feelings forever. Just for a moment, and that should be enough to satiate him.

Right?

Because he shouldn’t be feeling the way he does about Yu. It’s wrong. Something’s defective with his brain. He should feel this way about girls and girls exclusively-- and if he’s able to have these feelings for Yu, something’s gone awry.

He shouldn’t want this. He _ can’t. _ He squeezes his eyes shut and remembers how Yu held him when he was crying, how he had said “_that’s for girls,_” and how much he meant it.

Yu’s not a girl, and he likes girls. He can’t want him to hold him again, want his hands on his hips, want to kiss him, want to do _ God forbid _whatever else with him, because he’s a boy.

Yosuke can’t want a boy to love him back.

It doesn’t work like that.  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, everyone!  
i always found it sad that in a game where accepting all of you was what manifested your greatest strength, neither kanji nor yosuke were able to accept their sexualities  
sincerely, a person who struggled through internalized biphobia when they were younger  
i am SO sorry for the masturbation thing it's so awkward but i needed to make a POINT  
if it makes you happy imagine yu pining for this fool the whole time this is going on. mayhaps it will bring you comfort


End file.
